Your Anaconda's Going to Want Some of This

There are things I love, and things I like, and things I'm mostly kind of 'meh' about. I love salt, I like some sweets, and I'm mostly meh about bread. When I was growing up my mom made amazing homemade brown bread. She was a stay-at-home farm housewife with four kids and a traditional husband who did nothing to help, and to save money and have a healthy family she did all the cooking, from scratch. It took me years to realize she didn't love cooking the way I did; I was always fascinated with the how's and the why's, and making fancy cakes that flopped, while she was just trying to put decent meals on the table. Don't get me wrong, she still loves a good challenge, which is where I get it from.

Imagine being a kid in the 70's when there were no hipsters or Whole Foods, and I was taking sandwiches of brown bread and roast chicken, instead of Wonder Bread and Fluff. Or worse yet, rice cakes. I was the outsider, the weirdo. Plus I would've KILLED for a fluffernutter in a house where sugar was evil. I eagerly traded lunches with the other kids whenever I could. Thanksgiving was one of the few times a loaf of white bread was allowed over the doorstop, and for stuffing only. In the true tradition of idiot children I grew up loathing homemade bread, and avoided it whenever I could, and for some reason this led to a hatred of most bread in general. I didn't care about buttery jammy toast at breakfast, I ate my burgers meat-only, I loathed French Toast. Even today I often forget to buy bread for the kid for school lunches, because it's just not something I reach for. An occasional crumpet or bagel is acceptable, but I'm picky about donuts and even soft pretzels. Pizza crust? Hell no. So as far as making bread, I've dabbled in loaves of crusty French or Italian, or Rustic Rosemary Focaccia, and they were just fine (although I need a bread scorer! Cough cough Christmas present). But I've definitely never felt the need to bake my own bread, or go much further.

However, the temperature has dropped here recently, and warm Sunday morning breakfast sandwiches were definitely called for. I had a chunk of peameal ready to be cut as thin or thick as I wanted, and farm-fresh eggs from my egg girl, and there sat two lonely, sad, no-name white hamburger buns. They looked terrible. They looked like they'd collapse under the weight of just the cheese slice, be soggy in seconds and hold next to nothing (and taste the same). So I realized we needed some better buns. There is a local restaurant that has the best burgers, not because of their meat or condiments, but strictly due to their awesome brioche buns. I think eating there was the first time I'd actually eaten an entire bun, and the last few bites were even plain, because of course I'd initially started picking off the excess breadage. Brioche was a revelation. After that I picked up brioche bread for French Toast, and decided I did like it after all. What's not to like?! It's basically bread but with milk, sugar, and a ton of butter crammed in.

One of the things every good cook knows is to always check that you have all your ingredients before starting a recipe. I am terrible about doing this. I keep an exceptionally well-stocked pantry due to growing up on a farm, 30 miles from a grocery store, despite now living 1 mile from the nearest Foodland. So odds are, I've got it. And I've ALWAYS got the staples, right, like butter and sugar and - flour. The first mistake I made was that I didn't have enough All Purpose Flour. I was surprised to learn that the brioche bun recipes did NOT call for bread flour, which I had plenty of. And the recipe I chose to use, since it was already Sunday morning and we were starving, was a quick bread, so it called for Instant Yeast. Obviously I did not have that either, because that was just how things were going, so I used regular 14-hour yeast. Oh, and I forgot to add the salt, so I kind of threw some in right at the last second. Basically a whole comedy of bun errors.

I got them all cutely tucked and rounded and on a silpat mat, covered them with wrap per the directions, and stuck them in a draft-free location (my oven) to rise. The recipe I was using said 10 minutes; after 10 minutes they were EXACTLY the same. Because I hadn't let the yeast bloom (had just started mixing, per the quick recipe), and because my kitchen was 58 degrees because the windows were open all night. So I thought about it, turned the oven on to Warm for THREE SECONDS, and set a timer for 1/2 an hour, much to the kid's stomach disappointment. Low and behold, IT WORKED. Thar she rose!

The recipe (http://www.portuguesegirlcooks.com/2014/06/40-minute-homemade-brioche-hamburger-buns/) suggested adding toppings if desired, and I wasn't planning to, but then I remembered I actually HAD poppy seeds, and sesame seeds, and hey, didn't a salt bun sound delicious?! So we did an 'everything' bun, a salt bun, and a plain bun.

They started looking pretty dark with the recommended oven temp/bake time, so I switched over to this instead - https://www.thespruceeats.com/rich-homemade-brioche-buns-3062241.

And there we had it!
You can see I obviously went a little bigger with my buns, since they were primarily to be used for a massive delicious breakfast sandwich. This would also be a good size for a standard large burger. Smaller, and they'd be lovely little rolls. The everything bun was the one I used for my sandwich; the kid used her salt bun. We both agreed that they were awesome. The kid is a lot more impressed with fresh bread than I am, because she rarely gets it and she is definitely a bread lover.

Would I make these again? Yes, because I'd love to do everything the right way and clean up the recipe and keep it and use it forever. I'm going to try freezing the leftovers to see how they reheat. I'm also going to toast one and see how it does; I'm concerned they might be a little heavy. I'll keep you posted.

Final: Cheese slice, Farmer's Market tomato, lettuce, peameal bacon, mayo, warm fresh bun.

Look how sad this comparison is...

And Suddenly It’s Fall

Tuesday was the first day of school here, and it was hot. HOT. Do you speak Canadian? If so, it was 40 degrees, which is basically the same as the surface of the sun for most Northerners. Some people kept their kids home from school, because not all the classrooms are air conditioned. It broke records. And then today we woke up and it was 8 degrees. EIGHT. I kept walking back into the house to add more layers. It was a beautiful day; sunny and clear, a great day for the Farmer’s Market. We got apples, peaches, pears and plums, just like some lame ass nursery rhyme. We got peaches & cream corn, and baby new potatoes, and field tomatoes, and broccoli. And we got CRABAPPLES!

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen crabapples for sale anywhere; I sure as heck have never done anything with them before. I just knew they were something new and fun to play with, so I got a bag and headed home to make some magic. I asked the internet for the Top 3 recipes, and it gave me one website with all three; https://www.woodlandtrust.org.uk/blog/2016/10/crab-apple-recipes/.  I decided to start with the easiest one, Crabapple Liquer. I LOVE alcohol, the fruitier the better, and I like making homemade drinkies for Christmas gifts for my sister, who also loves the drink. So I washed and halved the cute little fruits, and poured in some sugar, and then had a 30- minute debate with myself about using plain vodka vs flavored vodka.

I ended up driving to the liquor store (the LCBO here) for inspiration, and came home with Fireball and Cranberry-Apple infused vodka. After tasting the Fireball I decided that wasn’t the direction I wanted to go after all (I was thinking apples and cinnamon), so used half of the flavored and half regular.
The next step was to store it someplace cool and dark, and I’ll flip it a few times and then strain it in another month or so, and that should be it! I’m not sure about the practical application, other than over some ice; maybe in cider?

Next up was the ubiquitous Crabapple Jelly. It seemed like something they’d make in Anne of Green Gables, and although clear jellies seem pretty blah, I figured I’d give it a shot. 

 

The instructions said to just throw the whole apples in the pan, which I was totally down with. And then I boiled the heck out of them, after covering them with water, and then I was supposed to let them strain through a jelly sock. 
Jelly. Sock.
No, that’s the one thing I don’t own, sadly, but now that I know it exists,  I need one. I used a few layers of cheesecloth instead, and I did not strain them overnight, because hello, patience, so I strained for about two hours.
At this point the directions very clearly said to NOT squeeze the apples, because you’d get a cloudy jelly, and ARE YOU A SAVAGE?! You would never be able to eat that, let alone serve it to anybody you cared about. I really should’ve mushed up the apples in the pan, but it never even crossed my mind because I’m not that smart.

If you’ve never made jam or jelly before, it’s a SHOCKING amount of sugar. Especially if you’re not using pectin, or anything that’s going to help the jelling process along. I tend to make strawberry, raspberry, and blueberry jam, and I usually add a little lemon juice to those, but since this was so tart already I didn’t want to mess with it. So after straining and reheating the liquid I added a horrifying four cups of sugar. Actually, I chickened out and added 3 1/2 cups, forgetting that it would throw things off, and then after boiling/stirring for a ridiculous 40 minutes and not being able to crack a 215 degree temp on a candy thermometer, I finally added the rest of the sugar, almost destroyed the stovetop when everything immediately boiled over, but got it to 222, which is what another recipe said was the ideal temp. I had a boiling pot of water on standby to sterilize some jars, and there you had it: 3 1/2 measly jars of jelly. Luckily everything set and sealed properly. 

The 1/2 jar was obviously sacrificed for immediate testing, and it is surprisingly good; there’s this nice little sharp tart edge that means it will be really good with cream cheese and crackers. And look at that clarity! I TOTALLY squeezed those apples, and the world did not end. I read something about the color varying depending on blah blah I can’t remember, but this is gorgeous; like a nice claret, something else I feel was going on in Anne’s world that I’m too lazy to look up. 

I’ll tuck these away for a Christmas party, or a grey February day, sometime when a little color and taste of late summer will be very much needed. I’d definitely make the jelly again; I feel like it would make a great gift for old people. Because again, crabapple jelly, who the heck eats that?

Cheap and Fast - Sloppy Joes

Not everything has to be fancy, or require hours of work and hard-to-find ingredients. Cooks in the 1970's knew this; you can tell by all the things they put in Jello. There are a lot of recipes that I make because my mum made them, and they're either comfort food or easy or delicious or just plain remind me of home. Sloppy Joes are all those things. The ingredients and steps are simple, and they're ready in like 20 minutes. My kid loves them because hello, ketchup. Or, according to this recipe, 'catsup'.

If I was feeling adventurous I'd probably toast and lightly butter the buns, but we've always just pulled the cheapest no-name white burger buns out of the bag and tossed 'em cold on a plate. We eat them open-faced, because we're not weirdos. This is a good recipe if you're starting to cook with children; this, and tacos, and homemade hamburger helper, all fall into that 'hey, stand and stir this' category that they love. I started cooking as early as I had patience for with my daughter, and at 10 years old she's got a decent list under her belt. More than most guys I've dated.

I'm not going to rage about meat quality and organics because, let's face it, I'm cheap, but for something like this where you're really going to taste the ground beef you should be buying something decent. Skip the Walmart brand and at least do Costco or Sam's Club. I try to score meat and eggs from local farmers whenever I can; it really does make a difference.


Most of my cooking isn't inventing anything new, it's just finding a good base and improving on it. This recipe is from the old Canadian Mary Moore cookbook, circa 1978. Luckily my mom found me an exact copy of hers, because there are about a dozen recipes in it that I can't live without. It does have a really super weird indexing system though; I can never find this recipe under Meat, Hamburg because it's under Sandwiches.

For the most part I follow the recipe above; this, and homemade BBQ sauce, and maybe 1-2 other things are the only reasons I keep Worcestershire Sauce in the house. I probably go through one bottle every 20 years. Good thing that stuff lasts. I don't like cheese on mine, but the kid does. We don't do that whole 25-minute bake thing though, mama ain't got time for that. She uses shredded mixed Cheddar and microwaves it til melty. I go back and forth on using fresh minced onion and onion flakes; the kid hates onions so she's going to be annoyed no matter what. This time I used flakes, so I added them upfront with the meat. I also like to add a little bit of white vinegar, maybe 1 Tablespoon.

Now, you're going to slowly start to think that this whole blog is nothing but an excuse for me to sell you Pampered Chef, because the PC tools are going to start coming out and I'm going to gush and stammer about how much I love them, and YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Because I really do love a lot of their products. They hold up well, you can put them in the dishwasher (even their bamboo spoons!), and they're just plain functional. If, like me, you always forget to thaw your ground beef, you can throw a hunk of solid meat in the pan and start pounding away with this handy thing, and you'll have no issues.

I like to serve frozen petit green peas more than I probably should; it's one of the few green vegetables my darling daughter will deign to devour, and again, easy. I use the PC micro steamer weekly, if not daily, and just three minutes in the microwave with a little water gives me non-soggy, non-grey gorgeous peas.

With this meal I also serve applesauce, because it just seems like the right '70's thing to do. If you don't have any homemade, the good ol' unsweetened cups or jars will do, just add a little decent quality cinnamon. And there you go! 20 minutes, I swear!

Day 1 - The Intro Post

Hey! Welcome!

I finally watched 'Julie & Julia', which means I finally heavy sighed and decided that all my friends and family were right, and that I needed to start a cooking blog. Not that I expect to get a book deal or a movie, or meet some famous person that I admire, but since cooking is my hobby and my favorite thing to do and I'm constantly thinking about it and talking about it and posting about it on Facebook, so I might as well just go ahead and write about it somewhere that's a little easier to, uh, digest.

See, that's just how funny I am. I hope you are looking forward to this. Note; I like to both cook and bake, but I hate to measure anything, because I'm both lazy AND impatient. So sometimes I'll post approximations of what I've done AND I'M SORRY. This is NOT a cookbook. I'm not telling you that you have to go and do everything I do. There's a beautiful mix of science and artistry to cooking, and you should never be afraid to try your own thing, even if it ends up being terrible and you cry. It will make you a better person or something.

Most of what I will post will be Challenges. I like to cook regular 'normal' meals and cookies and blah blah blah, but what I most like to do is assign myself interesting new things, like those stupid galaxy mirror cakes or homemade sushi. Yes, I have done both those and will post about them once I've recovered from the trauma. My friends are worried that I'll make the posts too wordy, when all they really want is the step-by-step and how-to's, but screw them, they're largely too far away to hit me and they aren't the boss of me. Except for maybe Sarah, and my cousin Liz.

So, uh, yes. Here we go. Tonight I'm making my favorite 1970's recipe for Sloppy Joes, maybe I'll blog about that tomorrow. Too many people think 'Manwich', which is super gross, even though I've admittedly never tried it and am now a little sad that I'll never see that ad revenue. But seriously people, homemade Sloppy Joes are about as easy as it gets for a quick weeknight dinner. So I guess you have that to look forward to.