Your Anaconda's Going to Want Some of This

There are things I love, and things I like, and things I'm mostly kind of 'meh' about. I love salt, I like some sweets, and I'm mostly meh about bread. When I was growing up my mom made amazing homemade brown bread. She was a stay-at-home farm housewife with four kids and a traditional husband who did nothing to help, and to save money and have a healthy family she did all the cooking, from scratch. It took me years to realize she didn't love cooking the way I did; I was always fascinated with the how's and the why's, and making fancy cakes that flopped, while she was just trying to put decent meals on the table. Don't get me wrong, she still loves a good challenge, which is where I get it from.

Imagine being a kid in the 70's when there were no hipsters or Whole Foods, and I was taking sandwiches of brown bread and roast chicken, instead of Wonder Bread and Fluff. Or worse yet, rice cakes. I was the outsider, the weirdo. Plus I would've KILLED for a fluffernutter in a house where sugar was evil. I eagerly traded lunches with the other kids whenever I could. Thanksgiving was one of the few times a loaf of white bread was allowed over the doorstop, and for stuffing only. In the true tradition of idiot children I grew up loathing homemade bread, and avoided it whenever I could, and for some reason this led to a hatred of most bread in general. I didn't care about buttery jammy toast at breakfast, I ate my burgers meat-only, I loathed French Toast. Even today I often forget to buy bread for the kid for school lunches, because it's just not something I reach for. An occasional crumpet or bagel is acceptable, but I'm picky about donuts and even soft pretzels. Pizza crust? Hell no. So as far as making bread, I've dabbled in loaves of crusty French or Italian, or Rustic Rosemary Focaccia, and they were just fine (although I need a bread scorer! Cough cough Christmas present). But I've definitely never felt the need to bake my own bread, or go much further.

However, the temperature has dropped here recently, and warm Sunday morning breakfast sandwiches were definitely called for. I had a chunk of peameal ready to be cut as thin or thick as I wanted, and farm-fresh eggs from my egg girl, and there sat two lonely, sad, no-name white hamburger buns. They looked terrible. They looked like they'd collapse under the weight of just the cheese slice, be soggy in seconds and hold next to nothing (and taste the same). So I realized we needed some better buns. There is a local restaurant that has the best burgers, not because of their meat or condiments, but strictly due to their awesome brioche buns. I think eating there was the first time I'd actually eaten an entire bun, and the last few bites were even plain, because of course I'd initially started picking off the excess breadage. Brioche was a revelation. After that I picked up brioche bread for French Toast, and decided I did like it after all. What's not to like?! It's basically bread but with milk, sugar, and a ton of butter crammed in.

One of the things every good cook knows is to always check that you have all your ingredients before starting a recipe. I am terrible about doing this. I keep an exceptionally well-stocked pantry due to growing up on a farm, 30 miles from a grocery store, despite now living 1 mile from the nearest Foodland. So odds are, I've got it. And I've ALWAYS got the staples, right, like butter and sugar and - flour. The first mistake I made was that I didn't have enough All Purpose Flour. I was surprised to learn that the brioche bun recipes did NOT call for bread flour, which I had plenty of. And the recipe I chose to use, since it was already Sunday morning and we were starving, was a quick bread, so it called for Instant Yeast. Obviously I did not have that either, because that was just how things were going, so I used regular 14-hour yeast. Oh, and I forgot to add the salt, so I kind of threw some in right at the last second. Basically a whole comedy of bun errors.

I got them all cutely tucked and rounded and on a silpat mat, covered them with wrap per the directions, and stuck them in a draft-free location (my oven) to rise. The recipe I was using said 10 minutes; after 10 minutes they were EXACTLY the same. Because I hadn't let the yeast bloom (had just started mixing, per the quick recipe), and because my kitchen was 58 degrees because the windows were open all night. So I thought about it, turned the oven on to Warm for THREE SECONDS, and set a timer for 1/2 an hour, much to the kid's stomach disappointment. Low and behold, IT WORKED. Thar she rose!

The recipe (http://www.portuguesegirlcooks.com/2014/06/40-minute-homemade-brioche-hamburger-buns/) suggested adding toppings if desired, and I wasn't planning to, but then I remembered I actually HAD poppy seeds, and sesame seeds, and hey, didn't a salt bun sound delicious?! So we did an 'everything' bun, a salt bun, and a plain bun.

They started looking pretty dark with the recommended oven temp/bake time, so I switched over to this instead - https://www.thespruceeats.com/rich-homemade-brioche-buns-3062241.

And there we had it!
You can see I obviously went a little bigger with my buns, since they were primarily to be used for a massive delicious breakfast sandwich. This would also be a good size for a standard large burger. Smaller, and they'd be lovely little rolls. The everything bun was the one I used for my sandwich; the kid used her salt bun. We both agreed that they were awesome. The kid is a lot more impressed with fresh bread than I am, because she rarely gets it and she is definitely a bread lover.

Would I make these again? Yes, because I'd love to do everything the right way and clean up the recipe and keep it and use it forever. I'm going to try freezing the leftovers to see how they reheat. I'm also going to toast one and see how it does; I'm concerned they might be a little heavy. I'll keep you posted.

Final: Cheese slice, Farmer's Market tomato, lettuce, peameal bacon, mayo, warm fresh bun.

Look how sad this comparison is...